its nearly 4 o'clock in the morning but i can't sleep..there's a lot in my mind. firstly, i felt that i disappoint my friend kak ana whom i promised to help her on her dasar and perlembagaan paper. i tried to but there was a lot going on..i just cannot settle it on time. hope that her presentation goes well..amin..
well..this question just crossed my mind ~is it all worth it? i'm just asking myself what is the most important thing in my life (note: not people). is ranking or 'pangkat' important? is it everything? is is worth it to do something that u did not like just to gain ranks and money? which is more important? is having a high ranking job and salary makes us feel happy? secure, yes. but happy? it is a very subjective phrase. things that made me happy doesn't make everyone feel the same way.
however, i made a conclusion on this question : ALLAH knows best. there's always a right time for everything. maybe if i did not get what i asked for, ALLAH knows that it isn't suitable for me or maybe it isn't the right time, or just, HE will give something better. before this, i had been wishing for something for so long..and i just did not give up. but looking at the situation now, i am thankful that HE did not gave me what i wanted coz actually, just actually, that 'thing' i wanted does not work for me. i admit i blame myself on what i had to go through, when actually, Allah knows that its not good for me. maybe, there's something better for me out there..amin..
i also felt that i did not use my chance fully to enhance Islam in my life..i'd married someone who can be my imam, but i did not learn from him. when other Islamic people suffer just to solat or reading the Quran..just like in Iraq, Afganistan..I had the chance in front of my eyes, in my life but I did not use it. My solat and everything..i can add pahala 27 times just by praying berjamaah with him. he used lead prayers in surau and everything, did not force me to join in..all the time i just wasted my life just like that. Allah had given me a gift, and thus, i'm going to improve my life..hopefully its not too late for me to do that..
finally i'm really2 worried that i found out what i do does not gave me the good feelings i had before anymore. maybe time just changes people..somehow we are more concern for changes in other people's life that ourselves. i just felt that it is time for me to see myself and what i need to do. i used to enjoy plant pathology, and doing, culturing and identifying the microbes really makes me feel 'homey' somehow..but not anymore..its really2 shocking and i did not know what i did wrong. pathology is my strongest strength, and without it..i'm just nothing..useless maybe.. i did not know what should i do now..force myself maybe?or maybe its just normal of having these kind of feelings after my infection. i just cannot lie to myself anymore..although i have no choice but to carry on..be tabah (*_*)..maybe its just a phase ya..
i did not know how to make other people treat me better without obtaining a high profile job and good salary. some people just ignore me like i'm invisible sometimes. being a housewife is not glamour enough, plus rich enough. it hurts sometimes. i'm sure that all of u can relate to it, though lets just not think of it too seriously. life is a rollercoaster-just got to ride it :) to make me feel better- just be patience..n redha..
see u again soon..